Once again..I try to throw up the pain

A while ago, I decided I would not have a single binge for the rest of the year.
But my mom ruined it...I am sorry if I can't be the perfect daughter. I wish you would love me and accept me, but I guess that will never happen.
Yesterday, my mom said something that really hurt me..and after that, I binged.
Not just a normal binge, it was a huge binge.
I purged after..and while I was throwing up I was just thinking about getting the food out of my system..but I was also thinking about getting all the pain I have inside me out. And I just wish it could be that simple. Just like throwing up food.
That Simple.

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.

Today...NO!!! TOMORROW I dare to win! YES!!
Well about the plateau stuff..I kept eating a little bit..I just gained 3 pounds
Tomorrow I start the water fast again..until the day before Xmas
And I want to be (AT LEAST) 115 or less..NO MORE THAN 115..HEEEEELLLL NO!
and I just have to lose 8 pounds in 7 days..and Oh yes I will (remember? 2 pounds/day? <-- I am still losing the same amount as I used to yay for me)
So it will be very easy I guess :]
wish me luck!!! (cause I need it) Nah I really don't ;)



She looks damn happy (I would too..If I had that body)

The secret of success is constancy to purpose.

I hit a plateau. (Yeah, I will survive. Haha)
Today I broke the water fast (I had to!) and I had some food so I will lose weight again..Tomorrow I am starting the fast [AGAIN] Well I noticed it because my weight has not changed at all for the last 3 days...and this has happened before and I know that I have to eat in order to keep losing weight..and I am completely okay with it..as long as I keep losing right? I have to do whatever it takes!!
and I will NOT (and I repeat) I WILL NOT fail! It is not an opition.
I will keep fighting no matter what.
Wish me luck tomorrow :]

Lying is done with words and also with silence

The only way I can fast is telling my mom I am sick...And she won't fight with me everytime I refuse to eat. Cause when I am sick (truly sick) I am not hungry at all...In fact, if I am sick and I eat..I'll just throw up right away (always happens). So now that I am "sick" I've been doing very very well with my water fast.
Today we had lunch at my uncles house with the whole family..There was meat, smashed potatoes, rice, sausages, candies, brownies, cake, etc...And I didn't eat a single thing..because my mom didn't let me. Hahaha! I was so happy
I was also happy, because the fat cousin was eating EVERYTHING!!! and she was supposed to be on a "diet" but now she told me she has been eating just cereal for breakfast, normal stuff for lunch (but she won't repeat) and for dinner she only drinks tea...well seems it is not working because she is still fat...GOD! I am so happy..I feel so good

BUT!!!..(Oh yes, there is always a "but") because of my "sickness" I will go to the doctor on Tuesday. And I have a HUUGEE problem. I've dropped 10 pounds since the last time I went to the doctor, and OH YES! that was about 2 weeks ago..that would be VERY weird. And my mom will notice right away whats been going on because she knows about my ED but she thinks I'm already over it (OBVIOUSLY) I am NOT!
So I will try to put on a lot of clothes and drink lots of water and eat 0 calorie Jello so I will gain a little bit of weight (which would be just water weight) but I will be okay for the moment with it.
Well..Good night <3

It is on our failures that we base a new and different and better success.

The last couple of days made me realize this...
Whenever I eat, I just have to think that tomorrow will be a new day (doesn't mean I'll eat the whole kitchen, No!) I have to stop punishing myself everytime I fail. The only thing I have to do is to think about the present and the future.
Everytime I eat, I'll just hear "If you have an Eating Disorder, why aren't you a stick?" Yes, my mom said these words. And I promise you mom..I WILL be a stick in no time, just wait.
These words scream in my head all day long. These words made me stronger. These words actually made me who I am right now.
Thanks mom. I love you too

There are no gains without pains.

I'm talking about the weight..right? okay? just checking :]
A couple of days ago I was fasting, and I was doing so well...UNTIL! My mom made me eat lunch (Wednesday) and BAM! Eating and binging ALL DAY LONG!
I was so disgusted with myself, and very disappointed as well. I cried and I also punished myself...but that wasn't enough. Yesterday I ate half of my fridge, but purged later. Pointless...Why? I gained 3 pounds...I was already 119..but now I am once again 122.
What am I going to do? I will fast. Plain simple
Water fast for 8 days..but probably 9. (I lose 2 pounds/day)
And I am going to be less than 106 pounds for Christmas...that's all I need..that's all I am asking for. Oh yes!, sure I want to look good, but all I want is to have a great time and have a nice Christmas with my family.
And please! Oh please!!! Just a moment without thinking about my weight, how I look like, should I eat this?, how many calories?, gaining weight, hiding, etc. I want a moment of peace, a moment of happiness...A moment around the people I l•ve!

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

I'll leave the past behind.
It is not easy to overcome failures, but I will no longer cry everytime I look back.
I will have a fresh start, but it doesn't mean I will forget everything I once had and loved.
Don't get me wrong...Ana and Mia are still my best friends, my worst enemies, part of my nightmares, the ones I can rely on, the ones I trust...The ones that rule my whole world.
They are everything I have, and I am not willing to let them go [yet]. Maybe some day..You never know, right?
However...Let's continue
The name is Alex, nice to meet you :]
I am 17 years old, I speak spanish, (obviously) learned English. [sorry for the spelling mistakes, verb tenses, etc]
I am 5'2, weight 122 pounds, and I am struggling to reach 99 pounds (for the moment). Who knows? I am not the kind of person who is 100% satisfied whenever I reach a goal (like most of us)
Hopefully...You'll join me on my journey towards being a perfect and beautiful human being.